Living Ecstatically

The Therapist’s Grief (cont. 3)

Process 5: Planning

Thinking about this conversation brought several more revelations to the forefront. The therapist in me (because I am actually therapeutically trained) was warning quite clearly that I am stalking around this sleeping bear which is my grief and not engaging with it. But also, I have no idea when this bear is going to wake or when this issue is going to present itself and the fact that it would be inappropriate if it did present itself in this group setting. It warned me about vicarious trauma and the impact on the group.

Another thought that arose is that this isn’t just about the loss of my father and that I was experiencing my grief on multiple levels. There is the loss of my father as my father, my protector with me having been cared for as, thought of as and experiencing myself as “daddy’s little girl”. There is the loss of my confidant where my dad is the only person with whom I could truly be vulnerable. He was the only one I’d cry with. He was the only one who would hold it and contain it without taking it personally or subsequently looking at me or treating me as though I were fragile and in need of supervision and that was really important to me. We would have long conversations where I would move between rationality and emotionality and he would ride that rollercoaster with me every time as long as it took for me to get back to a place where I felt I could move on from whatever we were talking about.

There was the loss of my spiritual guide, which he’s been my whole life, but as of recently there has been a transition in that relationship where he had started to see me as an individual spiritual being having my own experiences, with my own gifts and talents. This thrilled me because for the first time we were, not equals, but equal contributors to this element of our relationship. I loved it. It was an exchange. It wasn’t just me calling him asking for advice, asking for guidance. It was also him calling me and asking my view or input on things he was experiencing or going through in the church. We were also going to be doing some of the generational work and working through those things that may be following us. We were going to have this conversation about what was going on around the time of my birth just to start weeding out some of the generational limitations or karma. But that is never going to happen.

I recognised in thinking this through that in this process I am experiencing myself in multiple ways. The therapist is warning against vicarious trauma and is worried about the other members of the group, my peers and colleagues. The therapist is worried about the fact that I have yet to start this work of grief and dealing with the loss of my dad. She recognises the learning opportunity for myself and others in this. My academic self is very, very thrilled about being on this course and thrilled about learning I am experiencing in all this just on my own. The academic feels like pushing through this and forcing myself to deal with this in the group setting because it would be such a learning experience for the group as whole on multiple levels. It would be learning in terms of having to work with resistance and how to engage a client in work when there is a big issue they are not wanting to deal with. There is learning in a moment of emotional upheaval should I have a minor, or major breakdown, in the group in terms of what to do should this happen with a client. Then there is my inner child.

The therapist in me and the academic in me kind of represent the woman I am and the woman I am becoming and will always be becoming as we only truly become once we return to the divine. But this woman is facing off with my inner child who is not interested in any of this. She is not interested in being a learning tool. She is not interested in being exposed so publicly. The fear behind it is I have no idea when this child is going to say enough is enough, being talked around and not dealt with and not acknowledged, and decide to act out. Honestly I don’t feel it would be appropriate to acknowledge her in the group setting because this is a learning situation and not my personal therapy session.

These complexities are what arose for me in trying to figure out how to approach the facilitator about my absence from the weekend sessions. Further exacerbating all of the above is this feeling of letting the group down and the accompanying guilt and embarrassment, especially if I am staying on the course and having to see them later. I don’t want to feel isolated or ostracised because I am no longer part of the group. In the end I called and said wouldn’t be in. The receptionist replied “oh you’re out ill then?” I just said yes. I never had to have the conversation but still felt like I wanted to talk to the facilitator.

In processing all of this and thinking things through something that came out very loudly for me was that this process needs to be shared. It came to me as I was coming to conclusions about it all.


On My Way to the Rock Part 2

Prior to my career break I had someone I trust a great deal tell me something I genuinely didn’t want to hear. I’ve been told all my life about my gifts/talents/abilities/calling or whatever you’d like to call it. I knew they were there and I knew how much I enjoyed them, writing being one of them. I also knew there was more to come. She told me that I was to inherit a very strong mantle from a family member. (For those unfamiliar with a mantle, it can be either a set of skills/abilities or a particular task or role that is needed. When someone passes on, it’s almost like a baton they pass on to the next generation.) It was my grandmother’s mantle. I didn’t want it. Don’t get me wrong, my grandmother wanted for nothing and was loved by enough people to almost fill St. Paul’s Cathedral. It was beautiful at her funeral. But her mantle was a heavy one that she bore ALONE. I don’t know that I have her strength and I’m tearing up even as I type. I didn’t want it. It was suggested to me years before this and I told God then I didn’t want it. My brother wants it and I suggested that God just shift it and let me be normal. Apparently I was ignored.

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What Would You Do?

[7] And they said every one to his fellow, Come, and let us cast lots, that we may know for whose cause this evil is upon us. So they cast lots, and the lot fell upon Jonah. [8] Then said they unto him, Tell us, we pray thee, for whose cause this evil is upon us; What is thine occupation? and whence comest thou? what is thy country? and of what people art thou? [9] And he said unto them, I am an Hebrew; and I fear the LORD, the God of heaven, which hath made the sea and the dry land. [10] Then were the men exceedingly afraid, and said unto him, Why hast thou done this? For the men knew that he fled from the presence of the LORD, because he had told them. [11] Then said they unto him, What shall we do unto thee, that the sea may be calm unto us? for the sea wrought, and was tempestuous. [12] And he said unto them, Take me up, and cast me forth into the sea; so shall the sea be calm unto you: for I know that for my sake this great tempest is upon you. Jonah 1:7-12 KJV

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The Therapist’s Grief (cont. 2)

Process 4: Contact

I had to get in contact with the Centre to inform them of what’s going on for me and present the possible scenarios I’d come up with for moving forward. I emailed the woman from admissions as she is aware of the situation. I made it clear that I did not want to stop attending the course but would if non-attendance at the weekend sessions would be detrimental to the learning process.

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On My Way to the Rock

In 2014, I became very dissatisfied with life. I wasn’t even sure why at the time but I attributed it to my physical surroundings. I tried everything – applying to grad school, looking to start up new projects, looking into starting my own business, applying to jobs in other countries, talking about wanting to move back to the US. But none of it seemed genuine. Nothing seemed authentic. None of it was genuine or authentic. It was all my way of trying to bring some clarity. It didn’t work. I couldn’t get excited for any length of time about anything. There was an initial drive (probably just the thought of getting out of my situation) but then it would flat line and I’d move on to something else. I was kind of rediscovering my spirituality but not in a purposeful. There were some dreams and I was being introduced to other means of experiencing spirituality such as meditation but it was hit and miss. I knew something needed to change. At that time I assumed it to be my circumstances and not me.

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The Consequences of Disobediance

Now the word of the Lord came unto Jonah the son of Amittai, saying, Arise, go to Nineveh, that great city, and cry against it; for their wickedness is come up before me. But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from the presence of the Lord, and went down to Joppa; and he found a ship going to Tarshish: so he paid the fare thereof, and went down into it, to go with them unto Tarshish from the presence of the Lord. But the Lord sent out a great wind into the sea, and there was a mighty tempest in the sea, so that the ship was like to be broken. Jonah 1: 1-4 KJV

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The Therapist’s Grief (cont.)

Process 3: Reaching out

At the end of the day I kind of high tailed it out of the room. First for practical reasons but also because of my own discomfort. On reflection I feel like I should have stayed and explained myself but at that point I wasn’t really sure, I hadn’t completed processed everything out so it may not have been as helpful as it now.

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Dismantling Untruths Part 2

“Make no mistake about it – enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing through the facade of pretence. It’s the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true.” ~ Adyashanti

In the last post I talked about why I agree with this statement. There is a part with which I disagree. “It has nothing to do with becoming better or happier.” I agree/disagree. The process is not becoming better or happier but I believe returning to our natural state, being spirit led will make you happier and better. I think you become happier because you’re no longer fighting against your nature. You are no longer wandering trying to figure out your purpose. Your life can be as it is meant to be, your ego (experiences, defences, etc.) in service to your spirit (that part of God/the source which it has instilled in you). The wondering goes. It’s not that you’re no longer curious about the world. It is not that you know everything. It is not that you have all the answers. It is that you know it will all come as it is needed to help you along.

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The Therapist’s Grief

I started taking a transpersonal therapy course. I had no idea what to expect and hadn’t even heard of transpersonal counselling prior to find the course. I was excited about it because it incorporates spirituality into the therapeutic process. Every so often we have these weekend sessions and I had no idea what they would consist of. Essentially, we get an hour long lecture, a half hour break, then we break into smaller assigned groups and spend the majority of the afternoon practicing. This was not 5 minutes. These were 25 minute sessions where we had to bring a real issue. I wasn’t concerned until I started talking. I told myself I was absolutely not talking about my dad, who had passed away only a month before the session. Not to mention the fact that 2 days before the anniversary of his death was my parents wedding anniversary. Needless to say I was raw. But I had no idea the impact.

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