In previous posts I mentioned losing “friends” as I am transitioning, moving, changing. Things cannot stay the same. The lesson in all this is that I need to trust myself, trust my intuition and trust my feelings.
Let me start by saying, ask for help. If you’re lost, hurting, depressed, sad, angry, full of rage, whatever, ask for help. It’s something I’m learning I need to do more often.
If you’ve read my other posts then you’ll know that I am coming out of a pretty bumpy road in life and not in the greatest situation at the moment. At one point my spending got out of control and I was not keeping an eye on what was getting paid and what wasn’t. As such, I ended up in a very bad place. Landlord was threatening to evict and my usual hustle was not working.
My mother mentioned that Jesus never sent the disciples out alone to heal people and she believed if healing was my calling that I would have a travelling companion. Why is this important? Well! I had been told some time last year that my husband was coming. I was told he is not going to be like any of the men I had ever dated. He is educated, spiritual, has a good head on his shoulders but was going to enter my life in an unexpected way and basically make waves. I was of two minds about this situation. If he’s not like my ex’s that’s great because I couldn’t do that again. But the whole making waves and turning my life upside down? Dude! I’m just getting things righted again. That side of it just didn’t sound like anything I wanted. I have since settled into the idea.
Now we come to present day and things haven’t simmered down. Au contraire, mon ami. My senses, specifically my hearing and sense of smell have become more sensitive than ever. I have had 2 reiki sessions both of which have provided some prime material. (If you’re not familiar with Reiki have a look. If nothing else it is a great way to relax, focus and tune in to the voice of God speaking to you.) The first time I felt absolutely everything. I felt her presence. I felt shifts in the temperature in the room. I was aware of movement.
I really had withdrawn from the world. But what I learned about myself during this difficult time was, first food was life. It wasn’t really but all I did was eat and sleep; the world around me just held way too much stimuli. Second, I am very good at putting people at ease when I’m a mess. Even people who seemed to have an inkling that things weren’t right, my way with words won the day. I’m not bragging and can honestly admit I did myself a great disservice by doing it but again at that point I had not connected any of the dots and had no clue what the heck was going on with me.
Prior to my career break I had someone I trust a great deal tell me something I genuinely didn’t want to hear. I’ve been told all my life about my gifts/talents/abilities/calling or whatever you’d like to call it. I knew they were there and I knew how much I enjoyed them, writing being one of them. I also knew there was more to come. She told me that I was to inherit a very strong mantle from a family member. (For those unfamiliar with a mantle, it can be either a set of skills/abilities or a particular task or role that is needed. When someone passes on, it’s almost like a baton they pass on to the next generation.) It was my grandmother’s mantle. I didn’t want it. Don’t get me wrong, my grandmother wanted for nothing and was loved by enough people to almost fill St. Paul’s Cathedral. It was beautiful at her funeral. But her mantle was a heavy one that she bore ALONE. I don’t know that I have her strength and I’m tearing up even as I type. I didn’t want it. It was suggested to me years before this and I told God then I didn’t want it. My brother wants it and I suggested that God just shift it and let me be normal. Apparently I was ignored.
In 2014, I became very dissatisfied with life. I wasn’t even sure why at the time but I attributed it to my physical surroundings. I tried everything – applying to grad school, looking to start up new projects, looking into starting my own business, applying to jobs in other countries, talking about wanting to move back to the US. But none of it seemed genuine. Nothing seemed authentic. None of it was genuine or authentic. It was all my way of trying to bring some clarity. It didn’t work. I couldn’t get excited for any length of time about anything. There was an initial drive (probably just the thought of getting out of my situation) but then it would flat line and I’d move on to something else. I was kind of rediscovering my spirituality but not in a purposeful. There were some dreams and I was being introduced to other means of experiencing spirituality such as meditation but it was hit and miss. I knew something needed to change. At that time I assumed it to be my circumstances and not me.
“Make no mistake about it – enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing through the facade of pretence. It’s the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true.” ~ Adyashanti
In the last post I talked about why I agree with this statement. There is a part with which I disagree. “It has nothing to do with becoming better or happier.” I agree/disagree. The process is not becoming better or happier but I believe returning to our natural state, being spirit led will make you happier and better. I think you become happier because you’re no longer fighting against your nature. You are no longer wandering trying to figure out your purpose. Your life can be as it is meant to be, your ego (experiences, defences, etc.) in service to your spirit (that part of God/the source which it has instilled in you). The wondering goes. It’s not that you’re no longer curious about the world. It is not that you know everything. It is not that you have all the answers. It is that you know it will all come as it is needed to help you along.