Admittedly, I am the occasional jerk. I can admit it. Sometimes I’m slow to catch things. I can admit that too. It took a while to join up all the dots that were appearing in my life. It was a relief when I finally did. When I went on my career break I told God that I wanted to be shown what I would need to know to live my purpose every day of my life. But, much like non-ethnic peoples’ reaction to Colin Kaepernick, I was left saying “NO, not like that.” I figured it out. It was all part of the plan. This is all part of my calling. Being able to feel, constantly feel is part of my calling. Boy, I feel like the Divine could have just sent me a book on being an empath and a dream telling me that’s what I am because all this other stuff is for the birds.

I mentioned being a jerk because I don’t blame the two “friends” I mentioned for anything. I take full responsibility. From the perspective of others I might be difficult to love. But in these cases I ignored my own intuition. I ignored clear guidance about situations. I had expectations that, had I been paying attention, were unrealistic for them and therefore unfair. I expected more than what was on offer and I paid for it. I tried to get them to fit into my idea of what things were and that was unfair. I need to check myself on that.

The final “friend” and I had words, by text. I don’t mind that it was by text but I gather from the shifting norms of communication in the technological age that it isn’t the preferred mode of conversation. I think it’s better than being punched in the face. She had a right to her anger I suppose. I had stopped talking to her and completely withdrawn. (Funny that only became an issue when money got involved. My not surfacing for days didn’t inspire any desire for conversation or even concern prior to that but the two might be completely unrelated.) There were little things that said she didn’t know me after 9 years of being acquainted with me and 4 years of living with me and me being open and honest in conversation about the type of person that I am. I was pissed about that for about a second. Then I realised it was my own fault and I couldn’t be any longer. It just didn’t make sense to. The crappy part is still being here. I desperately want out. But there is that lesson about patience again. I think there is also something in there about compassion for others where there is none for you and being okay with that. Yet something else I struggle with.

If it’s true that people treat others the way they want to be treated, wouldn’t it stand to reason that if you’re being a petty jerk to me that you’re subconsciously telling me you’d like me to be a petty jerk to you? The answer is yes and no. No you don’t want me to be a petty jerk to you although yes, that it what your behaviour is suggesting. Besides that, I like the standards that I set for myself and sinking to a level beneath them, though I’d temporarily feel justified, would make me feel like a scumbag. So I breathe and I wait. In the meantime, my senses are on fire!

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