Process 6: Being heard

My thoughts about how to share this was to do it through the Centre where I am undertaking my course. Possibly discussing it with the woman I have been communicating with about my situation or the gentleman who ran one of our sessions as he seems to be someone with whom I can have an objective conversation. I also thought about sharing it with the weekend group facilitator. In thinking about having the discussions I had further realisations or revelations.

First what came to me is that I have never experienced myself as such a complex creature. I have always thought of myself as being very simple, what you see is what you get type but this obviously isn’t true. This led to the thought that the barrier between thinking/rationality and feeling/my emotions has completely dissipated. It’s gone and all of my emotions and all of my thoughts have somehow, not in any kind of conscious way, paired up and are circling each other. But it isn’t in a malicious. It’s a circling each other and each in awe of the other as though they have never come together.

My experience of myself and my life has been in most situations where I have wanted to push through I have been a bit scared but I’ve never had this divide or this duality within me. In most situations where I am considering something new which brings me into an area of uncertainty, I’m usually on the side of feel the fear and do it anyway and usually I’m all in with that idea. Whereas right now, the academic in me is saying “yes, let’s go, I want this now.” The therapist in me is more of a neutral party who will go along but pulls in these warnings and the inner child is making a stance by saying do what you want but I will not be silenced. It’s almost like she [my inner child] is saying to me “yep, go ahead, deconstruct the house, and remodel all you want but don’t touch my room” but I can’t guarantee that in this deconstruction the room won’t be pierced or rocked or even breached in some shape or form and I have no idea what that would look like. It is almost like squaring off with a child who is upset and not knowing how they are going to react or act out. So I understand the danger.

The final thing that has come up for me in this is whether or not therapy is the place to deal with my grief. I say this because, in my grief I know I am going to want is personal contact which is completely inappropriate in a therapeutic context. However, as part of the course I have to undertake therapy. I was honest in my assessment when I told the assessor that I would not have sought out therapy to deal with my grief and this is because I want that personal contact when I am upset, not someone who is going to sit and stare at me while I work through it. I said honestly, that since I had to be in the room anyway that I would use it to work through my grief. Thinking about it now and now having processed this through the thoughts themselves, then talking it through on a voice memo and writing it out, what might need to happen is that on the nights when I have therapy I arrange to meet a friend or I arrange to work from home the following day. This is something that has to happen so I may as well use it to my advantage but I also have to take care of myself.

The other thing that came up is whether or not I went back to work too quickly. In so far as my grief seems to be a shadow in every aspect of my life right now. It’s always present.

I have to admit, despite the sadness of the situation there is some incredible learning going on at the moment. I have never had such profound learning in such a short space of time at any point in my life. It could be that I am doing multiple things, in the spiritual rediscovery of myself, the acceptance of myself, the wanting to develop, see and experience more, so everything feels like it is coming at me very quickly and making me hyper sensitive to everything going on around me, which makes me feel like I need to be careful and aware of my physical environment and what is going on around me so as not to damage myself.