In 2014, I became very dissatisfied with life. I wasn’t even sure why at the time but I attributed it to my physical surroundings. I tried everything – applying to grad school, looking to start up new projects, looking into starting my own business, applying to jobs in other countries, talking about wanting to move back to the US. But none of it seemed genuine. Nothing seemed authentic. None of it was genuine or authentic. It was all my way of trying to bring some clarity. It didn’t work. I couldn’t get excited for any length of time about anything. There was an initial drive (probably just the thought of getting out of my situation) but then it would flat line and I’d move on to something else. I was kind of rediscovering my spirituality but not in a purposeful. There were some dreams and I was being introduced to other means of experiencing spirituality such as meditation but it was hit and miss. I knew something needed to change. At that time I assumed it to be my circumstances and not me.
Leading up to all this I had spent the previous almost 6 years trying to fit into British culture. This is significant because I hate trying to fit in. It is not like me at all. But being in a completely new country I felt like it was necessary for some reason. I didn’t even think to just trust in myself and allow the right people to come to me as I had most of my life. The major difference between then and the time when things just stop feeling “right” is that I lived alone, in a space that was my own with constant reminders of who I am and what I believe. I know now that I wasn’t grounded. My grounding had significantly shifted. I felt like, “okay, it’s time to go back to church.” Not that it is a bad idea but again I was searching for something outside of myself to heal or clarify what was going on inside. This was all what was going on inside. I was having some conversations about it but it was limited in that I had no words to explain what was going on. I had no idea, just supposition.
This all led to a number of job changes, pulling back from “friends” (which wasn’t a bad thing at all but I’ll get to that in the next post), exploring things other people were doing to see if it would work for me. All along there were whispers. Small voices inside that were confident but quiet. There were things I “knew” but wasn’t following. I eventually got to a place where I said enough and took a career break. Lord, what was I thinking? It all hit the fan. Depression, suicidal ideations, long stint of illness, financial disruption/disrepair, days without showering, inability to ask for help or more accurately the “shame” of asking for help (another issue I’ll get to later), feeling like the ground had shifted under my feet. And you know what? It was my own fault.