I started this blog back in August. I thought it was where I needed to be but the momentum was lost. I hit a brick wall in terms of my own progress and just shut down. It was such a dark period. Suicidal ideations, scrounging and pawning items for money, begging to clean houses or do any other chores that needed to be done for whatever someone would pay. It looked up when I got a job but that lasted all of a day – literally 1 day. I went in for my first day and then was diagnosed with a viral infection. Not the kind that passes in a few days.
I was sick from October 15, 2016 to November 6, 2016. I was signed off from work by the doctor. I had tonsillitis, conjunctivitis so bad I had to use a wet cloth to open my eyes in the morning, aches so bad it hurt to move, small red blotches all over my skin, a cough that kept me from lying flat or sleeping as I’d wake up choking, and finally hives that made me look diseased. They were raised on my skin and literally just appeared. I was freaked out to tears and shouting at friends who were trying to calm me down. I didn’t feel like anyone understood that I had never been that sick before and had no idea what was going on with my body. The doctors were just treating each individual symptom until I insisted on blood tests to make sure my immune system was not compromised and there wasn’t anything more serious going on than a viral infection (though under certain circumstances a viral infection is enough to do quite a bit of damage). They found nothing and that should have been a relief but it wasn’t. It left me wondering what happened and why. Not knowing the origin was scary because it made prevention difficult – not that I have been sick since but it would be nice to know what to avoid in future.
During my illness my mother suggested that maybe this wasn’t a physical illness which is why the doctors didn’t find anything. She suggested it was spiritual. I remember getting off the phone with her and saying to God, “okay, if this is spiritual, what am I supposed to get from this? What am I supposed to be learning?” Faith and trust were themes. But there was something even deeper to be found.
When I took my career break in May 2016, I asked God to show me what I would need to know in order to fulfil my calling. Well! Surprise! Surprise! You really should be careful what you ask for. Don’t misunderstand me. There were some incredible revelations during this time. I had my first really deep meditation session. I had time to explore myself and my mind but that got old and money was running out. Not paying attention to my finances meant the rent didn’t get paid. My family helped me out way more than I would have ever depended on them previously. (I hate feeling like a burden, especially when I know they are dealing with their own issues.) In the midst of this my mother wired me money that never made it and we had to get the police involved. It was a nightmare. But there are some things you’ll never understand until you’ve gone through them yourself. I only recently came to the realisation that this is all preparation for my calling. I still don’t like it. But I accept it. Because walking in the spirit ignites my spirit and gives me a joy I can only explain in smiles.